The Light of the Morning
Love is a heavy burden. Heavy, exhausting, and honestly a trouble that nobody needs.
Maybe that’s our fault though.
They say that God made humans: the pinnacle of perfection, but I believe every thought, every emotion, and every need takes us further from that perfection which is why we die out.
Perhaps Love is just a quicker motion towards death.
Love is painful because you are vulnerable. It causes those who are intelligent to be inept, to make stupid, irrational choices. But much more tragic it makes you selfish.
Selfish love kills.
And here’s why.
We think:
I love you. I, these are my feelings that I thrust upon you. Accept them…please.
I will love you forever. When the sun don’t shine, ill love you. When the world ends, I will love you. When the rain, when the skies, when I die, I will continue to love you, forever and ever and ever.
Every song, every line ever written is out there. Genuine to the last heartbeat.
But there is one line, that I’ve heard personally.
“I will love you even when someone better comes along”
How deep is that right? How amazingly affectionate is that.
Well I’m here to tell you that is a load of crap. I don’t want to love you even when someone better comes along. That is unacceptable to me, because I refuse to hold you back.
So excuse me if I don’t accept that.
But I will love you until someone better comes along.
Because love is not to be selfish but selfless and if there is someone who will give you more than I ever could… Well then why would you give that up? Why would I allow you to give that up. So next time you feel that urge just tell them, if you find someone better, leave because its not that I won’t survive without you but I will be better off knowing you are in far more capable hands. And that’ll keep me going.
When the sun don’t shine, and those skies are grey.
See this love thing, it’s complicated.
And scarring, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. The sin is not passionate love the sin is selfish love.
So let me know what you think…
And then I’m just like “this is getting a bit ridiculous… Don’t you think?”
I teeter between complete confusion and utter dismissal of your existence as a whole. I don’t even know what to do with myself sometimes.
God, I am so pathetic. Most of the time I’m critiquing others for lack of appearances, hell it’s my fucking major… I root for authenticity and I can’t even be honest with myself most of the time. I feel like I’m either lying to myself because I made a commitment long ago, or I’m just angry… Frustrated… Not knowing where to repress…release all this pent up… emotion/word vomit/aggression. What is happening.
Do you all like the music idea? I mean music really makes me want to write when it’s just right. So this time I’m gonna write to the beautiful song Breathe, by Faith Hill. Sit down, find the song on YouTube because I have a couple words.
I remember listening to this song when I was younger. My mom loved falling asleep with music playing so in my crammed one bedroom apartment the 4 of us would listen to it. Drift off to sleep… Growing up in such a small space seemed normal back then. And although it was pretty tiny it was safe. I now live in a single all to myself and yet it could never compare to those nights.
Let’s do this thing that you listen to what I was listening to while I was writing this, so when you’re reading it you get the same mood. I warn you this music may get deep.
Hm. What is there to write about today? I promised my fabulous follower that I would write now the finals are over. Let’s just talk about my life shall we, summer may have started for everyone else but I’m still not home… because of my RA job I can’t actually go home until saturday. I’m not sure I want to go home. Summer is so boring… It’s always kind of sucky. I’m finally done with my second year of college. Crazy to think about. I’ve changed.. a lot. I’m not the same person anymore.
I still do the same things but I am not the same person. Or at least I like to assume. This semester was better than the last, last semester was harsh. I was angry, and I was hard to admit I was so angry because I kept it bottled in. I definitely learned much about myself. You think that those types of things would never happen to you right, but then you’re suddenly dealing with hysterical residents, a suicide attempt, depression, anxiety, and the worst part about it is that you have no idea how you even got there, no idea what to do, what to say, how to get out of it. How do you always get yourself into these situations…
you say it could never happen to me and then it does.
You would believe that after all that time I would be over it all but I don’t think you ever recover. I’m confused but I know that it’s suppose to feel this way.
I think a lot of people assume that if you’re not feeling right you’re feeling wrong. But that not true. At this age if you’re not confused then it’s time to alarm yourself. We are too young to worry about the future. Too young to keep apologizing for our behavior because we go through some tough moments.
It was easier when every one else was a child, The world has underestimated just how much pain, suffering we’re privy too but how much of a stronger species of humans it will make us. I have faith that through this darkness will come light, because as dark as a place may seem there is one of equal brightness waiting.
Enough about that though. New Subject, new song.
I’m not sure if anyone is particularly expecting a response to this I guess my friends know enough. How do I put this into words? Time is constant, so much has change and you cannot expect me to be here waiting. I did that and I don’t want to do that anymore. I am so much better because I am the product of my upbringing here. I never regret going so far from home from college because it has made me more of a different breed. I like the country. No one understands how Pennsylvania how I have become but how proud I am of it. You don’t fit. I loved you. I still care but not as much as I thought I would.
I have decided to marry my career and I don’t have time for what you need. Someone will understand that. Might not be anyone any time soon but I don’t care. Most time it’s a burden and people don’t understand. I would much rather spend time writing honesty than writing about relationship problems. It’s shameful to have to witness that. How pathetic and sad girls who write about relationships are, you’re living and breathing, you’re expressing yourself by putting pen to paper, words to a screen, and you want to spend it talking about someone else?
There’s so much more to write about. I like to use my writing not to come to any solutions but to just write. To document a thought process, to jot down seconds of the way my head works. To talk about my life. My own life, not yours and how I fit or don’t fit into that. That’s boring I don’t want to be boring anymore.
What bores me isn’t sitting in class listening to a lecture, and it’s not staying at home watching a movie and being on tumblr, boring isn’t going out once in a while.
Boring is doing anything I don’t to do. and I’m tired of that.
I like to read a lot. I usually waste my time reading. And if you think it’s healthy you’re wrong. I sit here rotting away on lives that are not mine. Wishing I could have a taste of the world I get to take a sneak peek into. I’ve loved books since I was old enough to work at the library of my elementary school. And like wine I only now wish to read stories of great age instead of living in the present. Nothing sweeter, nothings compares to a cavity sweet sweet literature can give me.
my prior post got deleted because my chrome decided to shut down on me. typical. The basic notion was this: I feel like theres a war going on every where I turn. We live in a time that is deemed the age of terror. it may not happen in our backwards but it happens in someones. And so I feel like I’m fighting on some side, most of the time: alone. Are you even on a side if you’re the only one on it? It seems pretty useless because you can’t win. It takes two to tango. It takes two to waltz. But I’m not dancing. Hell I wasn’t even aware this was a dance.
A lot has happen. And I feel like my life is ever changing and if I close my eyes days fly by. What do I even do? Today someone told me don’t let the experience make you believe the career isn’t for you. You shouldn’t let one bad egg poison the dozen. It’s simple enough. For some reason though these post are never here to make my life anything but far more difficult than it actually is.
Say you taste that bad egg, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that the one could turn you away from eggs all together. I’ve fallen in love with this career so I should brush this experience off right? Well right now it’s not easy. I just need a break. I need to breathe because everything I’m doing is fine but apparently not. I just don’t know what I can change.
I have no idea what’s going on with my life anymore because even though words speak, I assume you’d understand the truth. I would hope you would understand the truth. I want you to see how clever I can be but that would never happen. It’s a fragile world. I’m at a much more vulnerable point right now. And I only admit that because it’s become incredibly clear to me. the other night was pretty scary but it had nothing to do with today. It’s not a general fragile world, it’s more like my own is fragile. I hold on to it hoping that it won’t shatter into a million shards, but these things are meant to break and to have to pick it up would be the worst.
My mind lately has been everywhere and back. I wish I could document every significant part but there are so many at the moment events that I could not fathom the consequences it would entail if they were put on my blog for all to see. I know who I am but the version presented here on this page probably doesn’t even come close.
anon if you personally want something more come off anonymous and we’ll talk because I have some writing if you’d like to take a look.
-come back.
-shut up.
-change.
One towards the past, another to the present, and the last to the future.
But sometimes I’m directing it to people in particular.
I’ve been so busy lately. Busy from work, school, my new sisterhood but I’m glad to say that I am officially done pledging. It’s hard to think that I made the oath to pledge about two months almost three ago. This isn’t a post though about how amazing I think it is, because I could go on and on about how much I have fallen in love with everyone.
What I want to talk about is a couple things. One I really miss my best friend. it’s not that I’ve just forgotten about her it’s just that we’re so busy, the both of us. I just hope she knows that I love her. Truly. I miss her everyday. I figure writing it down will help me remember. It’s not that I don’t love her, I’m just hard with distance especially when things get hectic. I lose all track of time and before you know it I’ve gone two weeks without speaking to anyone. I’ll call her tomorrow though i promise.
Something else has been on my mind, Everyone either says that we are all constantly changing or we never change. Is there an inbetween? It would be contradicting for me to say that people never change because look at me. But it’s also incorrect to say that everyone changes because clearly there are people out there who even now still act like they did years ago. Who knows which one is better? What is interesting is that those who should change do not and those who shouldn’t are constantly changing.
I wonder if anyone really reads these.
Hey actually that reminds me. A couple weeks I had an anon tell me that they think I’m pretty amazing… Quite the sweet gesture if you ask me… Anon if you’re reading this: You’re pretty amazing yourself. thanks for keeping up with my absence. I wish you a close to perfect life. You deserve it lover.
I just don’t get it. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it. until recently.
How do you lie to someone who already knows the truth? How do you lie to someone so they feel better? I just don’t know how to do that anymore. Are we done? We’ve been at this so long now. I’ve read this cover to cover.
No matter how much you love the story it’ll always have an ending.
I feel like most of my post start with “it’s been a while since I last wrote” or something along those lines. Right? It’s so repetitive. Tumblr dearest, thank you for being constant especially in a time when I can just blink and here I am living a different life. I feel like one day I must have just open my eyes and there you weren’t. There you were not. No where to be found. And that’s happen to not just you, but many many people.
I don’t do well to this. At least I don’t think I do. My actions might speak in contrast to that. When did I become to anti-me, so butterfly so social. So not focused on what means the most to me. Last couple nights have not existed because I usually end up dreaming through honesty hour. Honesty hour has it in for me.
Look it’s about 2am and I am more split then ever. Split between the lesser of two evils. The good the bad, those turning ugly.
Literally I blinked blinked and suddenly I’m somewhere. I must have mastered time travel for I see no other explanation. Stay. Stay put. Please don’t move.
I’m exhausted and my body can’t take more of the beating honesty has granted me. Not really sure how to feel about this, I want to stay here but tomorrow I awaken. Tomorrow is a new dawn. Tomorrow’s to discover who had come and gone.
How can I live with such a secret.
I like to take myself back to 1994, she started. It was her prompt. her opening statement, the first taste, her tease to make me listen.
Her prompting to make me write tonight.
Not that I have much to write about, especially this week. But there was this instance, this zip on my monday. It was a clear lesson. We are where we are. But it doesn’t have to remain that way.
It made me wonder just how many of those people around me understood that. How many others had it ringing into their bodies like it did mine.
We are where we are. and I was sitting in class full of people who were not seeing that where I was from was not like the others.
Cause when I think 1994. I think One bedroom apartment, smacked in the middle of a street called Burnside Avenue.
Do you know how many times I’ve written something like “fuck off” or “fuck you” or even just plain old “fucking die already”? I wish you knew how many times. Fuck fuck fuck. ARGH. Fuck you. I can’t stand you. I’m so angry. Just angry at you. Angry about everything. I’m just angry in every fiber of my being. I thought it would have passed by now but I think I will hate you for the rest of my life. I never want to see you again.
I just don’t know who to talk about this with anymore. It’s all be heard and said before.
Next year. Dear 2012 though I do not believe you could EVER out do 2011 my resolution for you is to at least try. Give it your best and hit me with all you got.
I wrote that last year, yup. Another year and tumblr has yet to stop being my addiction haha but that is besides the point. Another year. Wow. So I challenged 2012 to try and out do 2011. To attempt it and I have to say it was pretty eventful.
Let’s see what just happened. My mom got over whatever sickness she had and is doing better than ever. I passed my first finals of College. I ended my freshmen year and worked my butt off this summer at TCP. My first actual job job haha. I fought. hard. argued with my friends. I was angry, I yelled. Resented them at times. So many times, but they have proven to be one of the people who matter the most to me. I focused on myself this year. Last year I had no idea who I was. I was lost in the fact that I had been focused on others for so long that I had forgotten about myself. This year it was about me. I had a SUPER productive summer. I went back to college becoming an RA. and lord knows I love it. I love my job. I was able to stop focusing on everything else and think about things that bettered myself. I found happiness, and though I lose it sometimes, finding this happiness I believe led me to meet even more people than I thought I could.
I went through sadness this year. I went through things I could never believe could happen to me. I was shocked. I was let down and I saw people change before my eyes. I came to realization that you can’t help everyone. Especially those that refuse to help themselves.
I am in love. In love, over graphic design because I though I may need to remind myself I have what it takes and I can be a graphic designer. That is where my heart is. I turned 19!
So much has happened. look I survived the end of the world. I feel so invincible at the end of this year that I just have a feeling. Yes 2012 might not had been as life changing as 2011, but…
2013 is going to be great.
It’s going to be a core shaker.
I feel it.
yeah sometimes, like even your memory gets me depressed you know? I feel negative. I feel dark because I have thoughts like: Well maybe tomorrows the day! Maybe tomorrow… Tomorrow could be the last I ever hear about you.
And then other times because I’m that good at it. I cannot fathom the emotion it takes to care. I could not give the effort to even muster up energy to care about you. To care about anything you were, are, will be. Because you’re just bad. I place complete blame on you. Entire blame on you. I take no responsibility because it was all your fault.
When I am feeling this way, both ways. I always end telling myself the same thing I usually do.
I come first. I refuse to live my life thinking about you ever again. I said goodbye, and when I look back I refuse to acknowledge you. I refuse to say we were anything. Ties are served, bridges are burned and I have loved setting everything about us ablaze.
you’re not even irrelevant. you’re far worst than that.
you’re insignificant to me.
